Let’s Make Yosemite National Park Great Again

Trump mocks our sacred wilderness places, rank by rank, And lo—the faithful bristle, primed to spank, but the MAGAites did not stray or blink

Henry Clement, Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, August 2023. Photo by Captain Andrew Derr.

By Henry Clement

Mr. Trump claimed he wanted to Make Yosemite Great Again, referencing John Muir, who, along with President Teddy Roosevelt, helped establish public lands—which Wallace Stegner described as “America’s best idea” in his 1960 “Wilderness Letter.” Yosemite was officially designated a national park in 1890. It has been carefully protected as a national treasure by every administration since, until Mr. Trump proposed allowing his donors to develop portions of the park.

Even some MAGAmites are in opposition.

Donald Trump Tries to Sell John Muir’s Ghost on His Vision for Yosemite

Trump: John, we’ve got the final master plan: Yosemite National Park becomes Yosemite National Golf & Lifestyle District. It’s conservation, but premium—think nature, but with better lighting.

Muir: I dread to ask what that means.

Trump: Ten golf courses. One for beginners, one for billionaires, one lit entirely by bioluminescent drones, and one where every hole is a par three because people today have no patience.

Muir: Ten courses?

Trump: Eleven, actually. We’re cutting a course directly into Half Dome. The front nine on one side, the back nine on the other. Very dramatic. You tee off from the summit and land somewhere in whatever state the park is in, Oregon, I think.

Muir: Half Dome is granite.

Trump: Exactly. Low maintenance. No mowing. Great savings.

Muir: And the forest?

Trump: We’re doing selective clearing—selecting every tree that obstructs the clubhouse’s 360° by 360° mountain view. The sequoias are magnificent, but they’re really crowding the architecture.

Muir: Your architecture is crowding the sequoias!

Trump: That’s a negative way to look at it. We’re relocating the trees to a much better place: the lobby, all in gold. People walk in, see one enormous tree in a glass case, and say, “Wow. Nature used to be huge.”

Muir: You would turn a living forest into a display?

Trump: An interactive display. Guests can scan a code and hear an actor whisper, “I am a tree.” Educational. Very moving. And if they want to touch the bark, it’s an extra $49.99.

Muir: And Yosemite Falls?

Trump: Renamed Freedom Falls. We turn it off after 10:10 p.m. because the noise bothers diners on the rooftop terrace. Then, on weekends, we turn it back on for the fireworks show.

Muir: One does not turn off a waterfall.

General Sherman Sequoia Tree. Photo by Anna Cirimele, NPS. Largest tree in the world by volume. It is estimated to have a volume of 52,500 cubic ft. (1,486.6 cubic meters). In lumberman’s terms, this one tree probably contains 630,000 board feet of lumber. (A board foot is a 12 in. x 1 in. plank that is one foot long.) That’s enough to build 120 average-sized houses. In fact, a single giant sequoia may contain more wood than is found on several acres of some of the finest virgin timberland in the Pacific Northwest. The trunk of General Sherman alone weighs nearly 1,400 tons. That is roughly equivalent to 15 adult blue whales, 10 diesel-electric train locomotives, or 25 military battle tanks! In just one year, an average mature giant sequoia tree adds enough wood to make a sixty-foot tall, three-foot diameter oak tree!

Trump: We’ll put it on a timer. Smart waterfall. There’s an app. You can subscribe for premium splash notifications.

Muir: What becomes of the Merced River?

Trump: Hole seven. We straighten it, chlorinate it a little, and stock it with goldfish—bright colors, very photogenic.

Fly fishermen can rent branded waders and catch a fish that has a loyalty-program tag. We can have ICE deport the “brown” trout.

Muir: The Merced holds wild trout.

Trump: Not enough brand recognition. We need fish with a story. Maybe each one has a tiny flag. Or a sponsorship. Picture it: “This fish brought to you by Pepsi.”

Muir: And wildlife?

Trump: Protected, completely. Every bear gets a tiny electric cart so it can move safely between the valet stand and the wildlife appreciation zone. The deer and elk will wear reflective vests. The wolves and coyotes, frankly, could use uniforms. Maybe little hats.

Muir: You have mistaken a national park for a meth dream.

Although this Thom Glace illustration shows a commissioned Yellow Breeches rainbow trout, rainbow trout originate in the Northwest US, Canada, and Alaska. Rainbow trout are also found in Yosemite National Park’s Merced River.

Trump: Exactly. A destination. We’re also putting a climate-controlled dome over the Valley, so no one has to deal with weather. We’ll pipe in a little fresh air from Kansas or whatever state is nearby. For that authentic outdoor experience.

Muir: Sir, the Sierra Nevada is not an indoor mall.

Trump: Then why does it have so much parking potential? And have you seen the foot traffic? Wait until they see the gift shop, all in gold. And we’ll have a reflection pond like the one I fixed.

John Muir’s Ghost:

Mr. Trump, your approach to environmental protection is absurd in its disregard for evidence challenging outcomes on public lands and especially the original monument of Yosemite. It is also heartless in its neglect of the people, communities, and ecosystems affected by those outcomes. This goes beyond any partisan debate over energy policy.

Featured Image: Theodore Roosevelt [1858-1919] and John Muir [838-1914], overlooking Yosemite Valley in California.